Finding It

Part 2 of 3. Read part 1 here.

Losing it. Finding it. Losing it. Finding it. What are we searching for? For what are we searching? Happiness. Freedom. Self love. Self care. Self esteem. Success. Achievement. Titles. Family. Love. A person. Security. Happiness.

I’ve talked about losing myself. Losing sight of who I am. Forgetting from whence I’ve come. Forgetting who I represent. Not just who I am, but Whose I am.

Now I’m trying to find myself. Find those parts of me that got lost in the shuffle. That got stuffed away with all of the things I didn’t want to feel. I’m pretty sure Brene Brown said you can’t feel the good without feeling the bad.  I didn’t have time to deal with and feel the loneliness, the betrayals, the abandonments.  All in such close succession.  But that also meant I couldn’t feel the lasting joys, and laughters, and loves, and joys, and peace. The moments of satisfaction were always quickly followed with moments of sadness and because I didn’t want to feel that I stopped feeling at all.

Before I knew it I was a shell.  I didn’t recognize myself. I was trying on new versions of myself that weren’t authentic but I told myself I was being authentic. I was acting on every spontaneous idea because look where caution had gotten me. Nowhere. So why not try some risks? Maybe things will be better. But that wasn’t me either. That was relatively worse. It didn’t fit.

So who am I?

I want to find ways to merge the me’s together.  Take the peaks and the valleys of my life and squish them into a straight line pointing toward the future.  Who am I now, but who do I want to be tomorrow?  How will I get there? What can I do?

I’m searching. I’m learning. I’m trying. I’m finding.

For me. About me. To be me. Me.

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